I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dear god my vagina.
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