I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
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