I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
