Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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