Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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