two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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