Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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