i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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