Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
