I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
