Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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