I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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