your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
