turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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