Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
