Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
