My Higher Power is John Stamos
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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