I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
