R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
