why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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