I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
She bit a glass in half.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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