I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
