There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Randomize
