Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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