My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
