oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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