Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
