im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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