I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
