Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
