Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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