How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
