And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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