I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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