my phone needs a breathalizer
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
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