hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
