Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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