C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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