Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
