I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
