I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
