oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
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