i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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