So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
