I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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