He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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