I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
