Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
