Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
