I'm going to jail i love you
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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