when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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