Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
