my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
