when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
