She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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