Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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